G13 Project Room: “Feral Withdrawal” a Showcase by Aiman Zamri
Making an artwork is a door way for me to let my anger and buried feelings. It has always been a healing process in order to refrain myself from thinking about the things that bothers me most of the time. This body of works reflects my anger about the confidence that I have lost. It has been affected by my childhood experiences and inspires me to express my thoughts regarding it, which is due to the fear of showing my personality. Getting judged for my feminine side of personality by most people has always been hard for me to cope with in daily basis especially, when I start a conversation with strangers. Since my childhood, I was a very talkative kid and was always confident in everything that I am. Everything was sincere. I could speak to anyone without thinking of it twice. I could be the loudest person among crowds though my interests would be different from them. I was never conscious about how odd my personality can be to anyone until a few people tease me about it. Then, more of them do, which slowly affects my thoughts as a child. This causes me to try to act certain ways that could at least reach someone else’s standard about how a guy should act and talk and walk and just be. The act has always been the hardest thing to uphold.
Expressionism influences my artworks a lot as it helps me to depict my deep emotions expressively. The process of making each piece can vary. These artworks are painted based on my own portrait. I started my paintings with acrylic and sometimes with mediums such as oil pastel and watercolors. These help me to recognize the flow of my piece and to acknowledge the guidance of where I can start with the executions. Certain layers I would paint more such as the features of my face as a form of meditation and to depict the glimpse of peaceful left behind. Followed by the next layer, I express my feelings by destroying certain areas by smudging, scratching it to create a lot of marks and texture as this helps me to pour my wrath and fury. Making the artwork sometimes can be influenced by the mental state I am in. Sometimes, anxiety and panic attacks will get to me at the most random times. Starting to paint while these episodes take place, it kind of helps me execute my artwork deeper. Most of my choices of color are on the dulled tone to give my painting a morbid feeling. The color red is my strength in speaking out and has always been in my pieces. It is versatile as it can define both violence and power. Every each of the artwork has its different symbol to indicate my experiences and what I love such as dolls and flowers.
Redemption would be an understatement to my purpose of expressing. It is cherishing my confidence whilst embracing the true personality in what I have been all along.